I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
