Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
