I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Randomize
