We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
