ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
