Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
