the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
