I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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