I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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