Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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