the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I smell like Dick and happiness
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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