I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
