I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
