Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
