I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
