I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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