im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Randomize
