i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
