Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
