I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
