Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
