i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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