Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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