How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
