when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
