why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
