I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
