the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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