I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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