I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
How external is "for external use only"?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
