oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
