Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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