Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
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