i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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