Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
