i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
