Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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