Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
