i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
