morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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