I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
