I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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