Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
