Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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