can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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