So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
