the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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