I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
