Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
