we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
