I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
